I’m at work catching up on paperwork and emails (actually I’m on my lunch break. Hence the blogging), and my totes adorbs boyfriend (yes, we are engaged and going to be married in two months, but he will always be my boyfriend) is picking up contact solution, a disposable camera, and a TV antenna. Now I can clearly see as I photograph our new home and watch the opening night of the Olympics!
I’m writing this blog entry because I really miss him this week. Through circumstances such as moving, parents visiting, bedtime, and a varying work schedule, the only time we’ve really gotten to spend together has been when I’m practically falling asleep or he’s on the phone with the at&t guy trying to get our internet set up. Which means that we have left the apartment in shambles and seem to be just crawling through the last season of Friday Night Lights. Our wedding favors lie in a bucket, unfinished and untouched for weeks. And, sadly, I, whose needs for quality time and conversation are really ridiculously unquenchable, have been feeling disconnected and like, “We haven’t talked in a week. Who are you, and why is your stuff in my apartment?“*
I know that sounds terribly mean. I acknowledge my need for counseling.
But even with the fears and doubts and sudden bouts of hostility toward marriage… or the fact that I can’t process that I’m going to be married… or that I feel all this pressure to PROCESS EVERYTHING and FIX MY WHOLE LIFE and BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME until my wedding day, just to validate it or something… I was reminded today that His love is all it takes for us to love.
We hear that a LOT. But it’s rare, at least for me, to know that for a second it’s actually sunk in.
He is the vine. I am a branch.
His love is steadfast. Unfailing. Enduring all things. Abiding. Loyal. Fixed. Steady. Relentless. Changeless. Stubborn. Sure. Unflinching, unmovable, unquestioning, unfaltering, unyielding. Wholehearted. Forever.
And His love is our love.
Just like the circle of life, or the cycle of the Isrealites’ obedience and disobedience, I learn about His love once a year. Once I year I realize that the only way I can be who I want to be, and love how I want to love, is to think about Jesus, not myself. Think about His love, His actions, His sacrifice, and not mine.
So here are a few things, Brett, that I want to tell you because it will be good for my heart to do so.
-I love celebrating things with you. It’s one of my favorites. Whether it’s Christmas or graduation or the start of the summer Olympics or a day off.
-Last night we were sitting on the couch, and for once you got tired before I did. So you had your head in my lap and I looked around at all the boxes that were still packed and the furniture that wasn’t where it should be. And I thought, It’s okay for us to do this. We can blow it off. We can do whatever we want and this is better than having everything put together right now. And that made me really want to marry you. Because it’s just whatever. It’s life. And it’s just us. And that seems pretty great.
*Just to clarify, Brett and I aren’t living together. I’m living with my parents, and he’s living in the apartment that is technically mine, which will be “ours” once we’re married in October.