Yesterday I started reading my old journals, which date back to 9:00 p.m. February 13, 2002 (I was eleven). Why would I want to do that? Well, I’ve just graduated college and am in the process of figuring my life out. What I’ve learned a lot this year is that my decisions and actions aren’t just reactions to the situations around me, but a result of my internal, unprocessed thoughts and feelings.
I’m reading through everything not to find out who I was, but to find out who I still am. I’m a result of everything I’ve written about in those thousands of pages. I want to notice patterns in my life and find out where thought-processes began.
I’m discovering that most of the battles I fight today started more than five years ago. I’ve internalized the same lies since before I remember, like that loving someone can be a mistake.
I believe that loving someone can be a mistake, even though that goes against what I believe.
Feeling like I’m the one who breaks relationships is not a new thing for me.
And once believing those things, accusing God for making me who I am and not working things out. I’m trying to find where He’s proved me wrong.
It’s a little bit scary though. Because my hope is to convict myself, reverse lies, and change. But if these belief patterns are wrong, that means changing will affect all my relationships. How can that huge of a change happen and not leave my life a little bit sad?
I’m not sure.
But I know that this is necessary because I know that we all do the same thing. There’s a point in your life that you started believing that people were fake around you, pretending they like you. There’s a point in your life when you started believing that you’re to blame for all your broken friendships. There’s a point in your life when you started believing that you didn’t deserve to be loved or liked by other people. And in order to remember that those things you’re believing go against the Truth that you believe, it helps to know where it began, where you were wounded.
I know I won’t be able to recognize or affect healing in others’ lives if I don’t experience it on my own.
It’s really amazing though, because what I’m also discovering is that I was so much more joyful and imaginative five years ago. I expected to be ashamed and disgusted with my past self, but I’m inspired. And nostalgic. Some things changed for the better, and others didn’t. So I’m trying to reverse the change of believing lies and finding that joy again. Who was I?
I’m sure this is all very uninteresting to you, but it will probably get better as I keep going. Here’s a quote that might make you want to read my blog again:
“If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness. He changes our character with the passion of His love.” -Blue Like Jazz (Which was my favorite book freshman year of high school.)