I had a conversation with God tonight, and this is how it went:
What’s with you? Why are you mad at Me?
What’s with You? Where did You go? Why aren’t You doing anything?
You’re not giving me a chance.
A chance? Why do You need a chance? You’re God. You can do whatever you want. Why don’t you want to help me now?
Patience… Because it wouldn’t be good for you.
I just want to know You’re really paying attention to me. I just want to know what my next step is. I just want something from You.
You always want something from me. Look at this.
See how much I’ve loved you? I have already given you everything. I can’t make you any more happy if you are choosing to be unhappy.
The thoughts I try to hide from the Lord… I’m only choosing to be unhappy until You tell me something.
That’s right. You are stubborn.
I remember Job who was still able to say Blessed be the name of the Lord! It suddenly doesn’t feel so impossible anymore.
I feel like since I got back to America (after spending six weeks overseas, which I will hopefully blog more about sometime), I’ve been telling myself, Just hold onto it. Just stay happy. Just stay happy.
Kind of like:
Well it hasn’t worked. It’s leading me away from the Lord because I’m not riding the pain I’m in. I’m not being where I am (again) because I literally don’t want to be where I am. Where I am feels really sucky. But I’m trying to make things how I think they should be instead of trying to discover what God has for me. He’s been waiting, and He’s still waiting.
Will it be like the prodigal son, Lord? If I take one step toward You, will You run to me the rest of the way?