Seriously, is it just me that gets depressed from having too many friends in too many different places?
I feel like this sort of thing happens to me a lot. Things that should make me happy make me upset. Like:
• Loving someone so much that I’m afraid to lose them, or of hurting them, or of getting my heart broken.
• Wanting to work well and getting stressed about it.
• Feeling so at home with my family that I can be my worst self around them sometimes.
Or simple things like laughing so hard I get a stomach ache. Or eating coffee and chocolate cake for breakfast (which I did this morning. There’s another one – eating my emotions).
And having so many people to love that I can’t be near them all at once.
But this summer, so many things that have hurt me have made me think about Heaven. Like:
• When I was in Honduras and my heart broke from all the poverty and garbage. I thought of the hope those wonderful people have in Heaven.
• When I was talking with Scott Moses (see two or three posts ago) about healing. Really, healing people is just an example of us doing our part to bring Heaven to earth. That was Jesus’ job when He was here, and now we are His hands and feet. But ultimately, it’s still His job to bring healing to all in Heaven.
• When I was driving in my car one day, listening to a mixed CD from 8th grade that I randomly found in the car, and the song “Get Down” by Audio Adrenaline came on. And I realized how true it was – that God had consistantly done that for me.
I get down,
He lifts me up
And I got a feeling that my-beautiful-friend-Emily described perfectly (but about something else). “That giggly, weak feeling that you get after you’ve laughed really hard for a long time.” And I couldn’t stop smiling bigger than I’d ever smiled before, and laughing… I felt like I was in Heaven.
And then again when I said I wished my world would shrink because I really miss people today. My best-friend-Erin encouraged me by saying, “Heaven is ganna be off tha hooook!” (I love her.)
We won’t miss anyone in Heaven. The thought of forever really freaks me out until I think about how much time I’ll get to spend with every person I love (plus all the people I don’t love yet).
I was talking with my-boyfriend-Brett yesterday about how, even in my Christian community, I don’t feel like I’m fully known, or that I fully know people. Even though I’ve spent a whole year getting to know my community at school, I’ve always had a sense of resistance and restraint around them. Like sometimes I tread lightly or hold back. That’s hard for me. I’m not used to holding back around my other community here at home. I grew up with them. Now, I’ve found it to be a lot harder to be friends – be part of a close family of believers who really love each other – than I ever thought it would be. Putting effort into making friends with people who are so different from me (and each other) is totally new to me. And it surprised me.
It’s like we all have to try really hard to gain a piece of Heaven.
The piece of Heaven being communion and fellowship with people. Brotherly love. Being known.
To be known is to be loved. To be loved is to be known.
It’s what we all want, but it’s not natural for us to allow that to happen. It’s been made immensely difficult for us. And I don’t know if we’ll automatically have each other all figured out in Heaven, but I know that we will have time to fully know each and every person. So no one will be misunderstood.
Imagine having time with every person you’ve had a bad interaction or relationship with. Getting to talk to them with no chance of anger, hurt feelings, biting words or accusations. How fantastic is that? And that’s on top of getting glorious amounts of quality time with people you do understand and know, and I have plenty of those people in my life as well. You know how one-on-one time with someone you usually only hang out with in a group setting can be awkward? It will never be like that in Heaven, and I’m so looking forward to that.
I could go on about Heaven for a long time, so I’m going to wrap up. And though I’ve been thinking about it, typing about it, wondering about it for an hour now, my heart still aches. I feel like I need to cry like a baby because I love/miss people so much. And I feel like, in light of what I can’t have here on Earth but I know should be my reality, I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s like I have nostalgia for a place I’ve never been.