I need to write more. It’s not even that I don’t have time. It’s not even that I’m uninspired. I’m just… so disillusioned with journalism right now. I don’t want to spend my whole life after college trying to get on top and be competitive and be the best and beat everyone else and gasp – gasp – gasp for air.
So this is the kind of stuff I write now:
Once upon a time, (they all start with “Once upon a time”)
Once upon a time there was a narwhal.
What happened was, Wilma the Whale was preggers, and then 10-14 months later (that’s how long it takes whales to have a baby) this narwhal popped out, and everyone was like, “WTF, Wilma?!” So she was banished along with her abnormal baby. They went to live with a community of sea-creature misfits, like the squid whose legs got all tied together and no one could help him because they didn’t have thumbs, a balding seagull, a shark the size of a minnow, and an otter with dyslexia.
But Noodle the Narwhal was the strangest of them all, and even the misfits thought, “WTF, Noodle?!” but they kept it to themselves because who were they to judge?
Rumors flew around (well, swam, I guess) as to how this strange genetic mess-up happened. Slippy, the passive-aggressive seal, thought that probably Dumbledore cursed Wilma because she wouldn’t give him a ride to Greenland. Tubby, the sea turtle with tourettes, thought that Wilma had an affair with a unicorn.
Noodle was vaguely aware of these rumors, but they didn’t bother him as much as the fact that he was all alone in the world.
Noodle was very depressed.
One day, the misfits were all hanging out playing Mario Party, when suddenly Dumbledore appeared! (I know. You all thought he was dead, but the ocean is where wizards go when they die. Voldemort was sent to the deepest part of the abyssal plane.) Dumbledore was like, “Noodle, come here, I gotta talk to you.”
So Noodle had a little chat with Dumbledore about life and sports and back in his day… Noodle didn’t quite understand what the significance of all this was until Dumbledore started talking about this one time when he messed up a transfiguration spell.
“I tried to turn a fencing sword into a manatee and got distracted by how big the room was that I was in. I thought, ‘How many whales would fit in here?’ and *BAM* there was a narwhal. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. No offense.”
But Noodle was just happy to hear that he wasn’t alone in the world.
“So there are more narwhals?” he asked.
“Sure, sure. They like to party like it’s 1969 off the coast of Colombia. There must be something psychedelic in those waters…” Dumbledore said. “I guess it’s no surprise that whales and narwhals got closely acquainted, and then you happened.”
“Whoaa. That blows my mind,” Noodle said.
“It should,” said Dumbledore.
So Noodle started swimming toward Colombia, and when he got there it was fantastic. He was so happy! And he married and fell in love with the fattest lady narwhal there was (the larger the finer, in a narwhal’s opinion). And he lived happily ever after.
The misfits lived happily, too, but not ever after. They slowly died off, of course, but that’s life.
Author’s note: I didn’t invent Dumbledore. That was J.K. Rowling.